I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
