anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
