I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
