You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
