You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
either way he was missing a nipple.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
