he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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