Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
This baby is an asshole
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
