Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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