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I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
