I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
