If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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