Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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