apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
