I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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