Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
