Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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