fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
