I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
