and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I'm really busy with my period
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