Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
