so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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