I am midnight drunk by noon
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
