East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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