I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
