I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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