Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
