O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
