Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
