My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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