You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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