I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
