We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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