She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
