He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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