Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
