I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
