In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
