Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
