I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
