you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
