so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
