decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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