My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
