ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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