We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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