there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
