Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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