I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I love you. Go after that dick
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
