What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
