I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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