you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We had to coat check the pizza.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
