I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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