we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
i've created a new STD.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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