Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Randomize
