Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Randomize
