the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
