I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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