oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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