i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You're like the curious george of whores
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
