Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
